


Take My Aim, So You Feel Me Coming Close

by notevenyou



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Skating, Alternate Universe - Sports, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, figure skating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:34:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6794998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notevenyou/pseuds/notevenyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron Burr just wanted to skate, little did he know it would mean a lifetime rivalry with Alexander Hamilton.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take My Aim, So You Feel Me Coming Close

Aaron started skating young. The first time he’d skated had been just for fun, a family outing to a rink filled with a mix of other families and flirting teenagers, but Aaron had taken to it instantly. He’d loved the feeling of gliding along the ice, getting the hang of it faster than most of the other stumbling children there that day. Afterward, he asked to go again so often that his parents signed him up for lessons. It was at these lessons that he learned about real figure skating, the jumps, the footwork, the music, and he was hooked. The woman running the class was only a small time coach, teaching children basic skills, but she told Aaron’s parents that he had real talent, the potential to be great if they were willing to put in the time, money and effort, and to take him to an elite coach. Aaron’s parents were lucky enough to have the money, and they loved Aaron, so they told him they would support his interest in skating, perhaps not realizing how seriously Aaron was going to take it. 

And so Aaron got a different coach, and started purposefully training. His life began to take on a different shape from his peers more and more as he got older, and his talent became more obvious. Whereas classmates spent time talking about cartoons, and school gossip, Aaron focused on learning from old skating programs, and spent his time in early morning practice. 

While he didn’t have that much in common with the kids at his school, he did find friends among his fellow skaters, although even here there was a constant shuffle of kids giving up skating because they wanted an ordinary life or ran out of money, and other kids moving to different coaches, different states, seeking the best. All of this made it difficult to form long term friendships, or even long term rivals. Maybe that’s why Alexander is able to slot into Aaron’s life so easily. 

The first time Aaron meets Alexander, Aaron is twelve and Alexander is a year younger. They meet at the U.S. national championships, competitors in the novice division. It’s Aaron's first time competing at nationals, but he had easily won his regional and sectional competitions to get there, and felt good about his chances. In the heat of competition Aaron doesn't really pay that much attention to the other skaters, focused on himself and his own performance, just like his coach told him to. 

When Aaron does win he feels like he might never stop smiling, but makes an effort to be nice to the other boys on the podium with him. The short kid in second place doesn't seem to appreciate it though. Unlike the guys in third and fourth, this kid seems less happy to have placed, and more just angry not to have won. Aaron politely pretends not to notice, after all he understands wanting to win. 

Aaron is willing to ignore the dark glares all through the medal ceremony, but afterward when the kid deliberately bumps into Aaron as they do a victory lap, he whispers to Aaron, “Next time I'm going to beat you.” Aaron’s polite inattention slips away, and he stares in disbelief as the kid skates past him, feeling a little angry, and a lot glad that he’d been the one to win. 

#

Aaron doesn't see the kid again until next year at nationals, although in the meantime Aaron learns that the kid’s name is Alexander. Even though they’ve only met once, Alexander’s rudeness sticks with Aaron, strangely motivating. Sometimes when Aaron regrets how early he has to get up for practice, or the various junior high dramas he misses out on when he's taking extra dance lessons and learning choreography, he remembers Alexander's dark glare and the feeling of satisfaction Aaron had at causing it. Somehow it’s enough to keep Aaron focused on rough days. 

However, at their next meeting at nationals, Aaron is willing to forget the rudeness. Alexander was a year younger than him, and maybe Alexander’s parents hadn't taught him yet how to be polite in competition. Aaron is especially willing to forgive when Alexander beats him that year. Feeling the swirl of resentment, disappointment, and sour jealousy as he has to watch Alexander stand at the top of the podium, where Aaron had stood just last year, Aaron understands the urge to wipe the smile from Alexander's face with a few words. But Aaron can almost hear his mother’s voice in the back of his mind, and so he is unfailingly polite as he congratulates Alexander. Aaron even works to look as happy as he can manage for the medal ceremony. 

So Aaron has forgiven Alexander’s rudeness, he’s been polite in his own loss, but none of that matters to Alexander. Alexander has had a growth spurt, and this year he’s the perfect height when he leans in to whisper to Aaron during the victory lap, “I told you I would beat you next time.” 

Aaron manages, after a brief moment of shock, to keep smiling at the small crowd of family and coaches, but inside he's furious. Rude in disappointment is forgivable, rude in victory is not. That moment sours the rest of the trip as much as Aaron’s loss, and his feelings about Alexander shift from mere competition to firm dislike. From then on, beating Alexander is as much of a goal for Aaron as winning.  

#

Over the next two years, Aaron and Alexander's rivalry cements. They both move up to juniors, trading that national title between them as well, first Alexander again, and then Aaron the next year. They also both begin to compete on the international circuit, meeting all sorts of new competitors, but somehow circling back to wanting to outdo each other most of all. 

Aaron's first international competition is intimidating, he feels adrift in the strange country, surrounded by people slipping into languages he doesn't speak, and sleeping in a strange bed. But when he gets to the rink, Alexander is there and his familiar mocking smile settles something in Aaron's mind. Whatever else is going on, he won’t let Alexander beat him. 

He doesn't, and, although they only sometimes meet internationally, Aaron holds the memory of Alexander's defeated glare in his mind to motivate himself. Aaron doesn't actually need to have Alexander at a competition to push himself to strive for a better season record than Alexander, or to beat his world ranking. 

#

The year that Aaron turns sixteen, he's having a great season, winning his first junior Grand Prix assignment, and sure he's going to defend his national title and go all the way to the junior world podium. Then, in between his first and second Grand Prix assignments, his parents die. A car crash. It’s so sudden, so unexpected, so unbearable that Aaron feels unstuck from himself, as if nothing is real. Even when the grief finds him, and he's forced to accept his future without them, everything feels strange and unmoored. The only thing that still feels solid is the burn of a long practice session, the satisfaction of hitting his jumps, and the precision of deep footwork. 

Aaron is living with his grandparents now, and he feels grateful in a vague way that they've taken him in, even though he wouldn’t have said they were close before, but it's their promise that he can keep skating that makes him truly appreciate them. In order to preserve that kindness, Aaron only nods when they talk about God’s plan, or insist his parents are in a better place. He lets them think he agrees, even though it fills him with a howling, unfocused pain to hear it. 

That self-betrayal just becomes one more thing he’s trying to skate away. His coach seems to somewhat understand and comes up with new practice routines for him, old fashioned footwork practice, skating careful figures into the ice. It's probably just to keep him from injuring himself doing his jumps over and over again, but the precision requires his attention, grounds him, and in the end his edge control is improved so he doesn't argue. Instead he traces the figures again and again, more precise each time. 

Aaron misses his second Grand Prix assignment somewhere in the haze of grief, but nationals is months later, and he insists he's ready. When Aaron arrives at the first nationals practice, he realizes that he might be ready in terms of training, but perhaps not in other ways. The problem is all the well meaning people who have clearly heard about his parents, and want to let him know how sorry they are. Of course they’ve heard, of course they’re sorry, figure skating is such a small world, all these people probably knew his parents to one degree or another, but their sympathy and condolences leave Aaron feeling lost. He can’t focus and his training seems to desert him, lost in the fog of unreality that still wants to overtake him, and in the practice he misses almost all of his jumping passes. 

After the practice, he's coming off the ice, trying to ignore the ache in his hip from one particularly hard fall, and another skater’s mother corners him to say how sorry she is. Aaron tries to be polite, but inside he feels like running away and hiding, preferably somewhere he can skate without anyone watching. It's even worse when he realizes that Alexander is in the next warm-up group, and he’s seeing the whole exchange, studying Aaron with that dark, considering gaze. 

Aaron is trying to extricate himself from the conversation, the woman still trying to reassure him that she's there for him even though Aaron’s not sure they’ve ever talked before, when Alexander comes over. He rudely cuts into her words, and even more rudely says to Aaron, “Looking pretty bad out there. I look forward to taking my title back.”

The mother looks aghast, but Aaron feels a rush of relief that this, at least, is unchanged, still a part of skating as he knows it. He raises his chin defiantly and says, “You mean my title? You can try.”

Alexander smirks back, something satisfied in it, “Don't worry, I will.”

Then the organizers are letting the next group on the ice and Alexander skates out, smooth and steady. Aaron watches just long enough to see the cocky smile Alexander throws his way after landing a solid jump. Aaron just shakes his head and leaves, but to himself he can admit that he feels refocused. One bad practice session isn't going to throw him, he's not going to let these people cast him in the role of helpless orphan, and he's going to show Alexander who’s the best. Aaron feels oddly grateful to Alexander for not treating him any differently. The feeling mixes strangely with his usual feeling of dislike, but Aaron doesn’t have time to dwell on that if he’s going to defend his title. 

In the end, Aaron does show them, defends his title as if nothing had happened, as if the world weren’t a totally different place this year from the last, and maybe here, on the ice, it doesn’t have to be. Alexander had skated just as hard as he ever does, and looks just as mad to be back in second position as expected. However, the sportsman-like congratulations that his coach has finally convinced him is a required part of competition seems more sincere than usual. 

They both get selected to go to Junior worlds again, and Aaron’s training pays off with his first ever world medal, a silver. Alexander doesn't make the podium despite two great skates, but, to Aaron’s surprise, he manages to scrape together enough patriotism to cheer when Aaron receives his medal. Aaron tries not to think about how proud his parents would have been. He manages to smile at the crowd, and to only cry later, when he's alone. 

# 

It's only a couple of months later, over the summer, that Aaron hears that Alexander's mother has died of some quick illness. It seems just as unreal as his own parents deaths. How could they both be orphans? Aaron didn't really know much about Alexander's mother, or his family more generally. She almost never made it to his competitions. According to the soft gossip of the other mothers, this was because they didn't have the money. So instead she had entrusted Alexander to his coach, Martha Washington, for these trips. Apparently another thing they didn't have was more family, because now all the gossip says that Martha is taking Alexander in. 

Aaron isn’t sure what to think of that. It’s good that Alexander has someone, and someone he knows, but what if Alexander ever wanted to stop skating? Aaron can’t quite imagine it, but so many kids grow to hate it, the restrictions, the stress of competition, the work that none of their schoolmates have to put up with. Aaron has known many kids who have just quit, but running into them around town later, so many of them look happy and carefree. Other kids clearly should quit, they don’t seem to like being on the ice even when they do well, and the restricted diet, the exercise wears on them, leaving them looking hollowed out and pinched. They’ve all known kids only there because their parents want them there. Kids whose parents only see mistakes that need fixing, even in the best performances. Although Aaron loves skating, and knows many other people who do too, he’s very familiar with the pressure that some skaters face, and that’s without literally owing everything to your coach. So he worries a bit, in the back of his mind, for Alexander. 

Aaron worries a bit more as the year progresses, because Alexander has a truly horrible season. He bombs both Grand Prix events, and at nationals finishes well away from the podium. It was hardly even satisfying for Aaron to defend his title when Alexander hadn't even qualified for the final warm up group, and dropped even further down after popping most of his jumps in the free skate. 

After the free skate, when Aaron is done with the competition, but the coaches are still filled with tension, preparing other students for the pairs and ladies final, Aaron is catching up on schoolwork in his room. He's surprised when someone knocks on his door, and doubly surprised when it's Alexander. 

It's impossible to exist in this small world of figure skating without running into other skaters regularly. In the five years that he’s known Alexander, they’ve spent time enough waiting at the same airport gates for flights, hanging with the group of English speakers at international events, at the same practice sessions, and at post competition dinners. However, none of this time has been spent cultivating a relationship that could be described any more generously than, ‘only occasionally openly hostile,’ which doesn't offer much explanation for Alexander's presence now. 

On the other hand, whether either of them want to openly acknowledge it or not, after the last year they have some sort of terrible bond that no one else here can really understand. So Aaron gestures Alexander into the room and waits for him to explain his presence. He doesn't do so right away, instead he wanders into the room, and then seems drawn to the nightstand where Aaron's medal is sitting. Alexander carefully touches the ribbon, and then runs a fingernail over the grooves of the words etched into the medal. Alexander doesn't look his best, a little too pale, and there’s something barely contained about his movements, as if at any moment he might erupt into something other than the calm, carefully controlled face he's trying to present. 

Finally he turns to Aaron and says without meeting his eyes, “Can I stay here for awhile? Just talk maybe?” 

He says it in a measured way, seemingly steady, but there's an underlying thread of desperation to his voice. Aaron wouldn't have said no anyway, not with the unspoken connection lying between them, but he certainly can’t say no once he hears that, “Of course.”

Alexander doesn't seem to have any plan once his request has been granted, so Aaron sits on the bed and gestures to the other side. 

Alexander sits too, but doesn't seem to know what to do with himself or what to say. Aaron isn't sure if Alexander’s looking for a heart-to-heart, or just for a distraction. Since Aaron’s not really sure how to start a heart-to-heart, he tries offering up some gossip he heard about one of the senior skaters. Alexander smiles weakly and gamely tries to play along. He's surprisingly knowledgeable about gossip, although he's clearly not invested in it. He loses track of what he's saying sometimes, long pauses opening up until Aaron prompts him to continue, and he asks Aaron to repeat himself too, as if he’s zoned out in the middle of what Aaron’s saying. He's constantly fiddling with a hole in the knee of his jeans, pulling threads out one by one, and gradually enlarging the rip. After they've talked gossip about senior skaters, junior skaters, skate moms, and coaches, Aaron is starting to worry that Alexander is going to lose the whole lower leg of his pants. Finally Aaron reaches over and places a hand over Alexander's, trying to get him to stop for a moment, to see what he's doing before he ends up with shorts instead of pants. 

Alexander freezes, his hand still under Aaron's and Aaron is about to pull back, apologize, when Alexander shoots Aaron a considering look and turns his hand over, so that they are palm to palm. Then he's leaning towards Aaron, slow enough that Aaron should see what's coming, but somehow he's still surprised when Alexander's lips touch his. 

It's not quite that Aaron's never thought of Alexander like this, he's given Alexander the same perfunctory consideration he's given any reasonably attractive person. But between Aaron's general unwillingness to accept that this is something he wants from boys as well as girls, and their contentious relationship, Aaron has always quickly moved on to other, easier, fantasies. 

But now Alexander's lips are soft against his, chasing away both the idea that Aaron might not want this with a guy and that he might not want it with Alexander, and Aaron finds himself pressing back, eager, if inexperienced. 

In fact, between Aaron’s grief and the time he spends training, this is his first kiss. It’s clear that this is not Alexander's, and Aaron is willing to follow his lead in this, letting Alexander take control of the kiss, while Aaron does his best to respond in kind. 

Despite Aaron’s initial uncertainty, the kiss quickly becomes heated, involving tongues and Alexander's hands sliding down Aaron's shoulders and chest, and even under the edge of his t-shirt. 

Alexander seems grounded, present in the kiss in a way he wasn't in the conversation, and Aaron can't pretend it's a sacrifice to offer him this. It's only at the point when Alexander is draped on top of him, grinding with increasing urgency into his hip, while Aaron is just as hard under Alexander, that Aaron starts to wonder if this is a mistake, if somehow he’s taking advantage. 

Aaron pulls back from the kiss, and traps the hand sliding under his shirt, towards his chest, “Hey.”

Alexander freezes, and then carefully pulls his hand out from under Aaron’s shirt, eyes trained on Aaron’s face. 

Aaron struggles to focus on checking in with Alexander, and not on Alexander's red, wet mouth, “Do you think we should stop?”

Alexander is watching him, wary, “No. But do  _ you  _ think we should stop?”

“No I-” Aaron takes a deep breath and tries again, “You seemed…upset earlier.”

Alexander gazes at him seriously, “I was. I am. All the time. But this- this helps me stop thinking for a moment.” It’s honest in a way that Aaron isn’t sure Aaron could be, and Alexander keeps his eyes on Aaron as he says, “If you want to stop, we’ll stop, but I’m fine.”

He seems confident and steady, unlike earlier, although Aaron can see the distress lurking at the edges, and Aaron wants to give him this, and Aaron just plain wants him, so instead of answering with words Aaron reaches up and slides back into the kiss. 

It takes a minute to get back to the place they were before, but they do, grinding into one another, almost fully clothed until Alexander stiffens against Aaron and makes a noise that quickly sends Aaron over the edge as well. 

Afterward Aaron feels himself starting to drift off, but he snaps back into focus when Alexander slides out of bed and gathers his sweatshirt. Aaron grabs Alexander’s hand before he can go, not sure how to say everything that needs to be said. Instead Aaron just asks, “Are you okay?”

Alexander considers Aaron for a moment, and then manages a small smile, “I'm okay.”

It's not totally convincing, but he seems better than when he came into the room, so Aaron nods and lets go of his hand. He watches as Alexander slips out of the room, looking at the door that closes behind him until Aaron falls asleep. 

#

Aaron doesn't see Alexander at worlds of course. Instead Aaron’s there with some other perfectly unobjectionable U.S. qualifiers. They’re happy to be there, and seem a little awed by Aaron, but that only makes Aaron miss Alexander’s competitive drive. Aaron makes some minor mistakes that add up, and he places off the podium, without Alexander even there to rub it in. 

In between seasons, Aaron thinks about Alexander regularly, worrying about him in a way that would be almost embarrassing if someone else knew, and maybe especially if Alexander knew. 

Aaron also finds himself thinking about their encounter more often than he would admit to, remembering the feeling of Alexander’s body against his, and of Alexander’s kisses. As not only Aaron’s first sexual experience with another person, but as the answer to questions about his own sexuality, the memory stays with Aaron. It inspires him to go out and kiss a couple of people over the summer, although these encounters don't go much further. 

When the season starts, Alexander begins with a small club competition, but, even without other skaters who significantly challenge him, it’s clear that he’s extremely prepared for the season. Not only are his jumps consistent, but he's added a new quad to his repertoire. The shaky footage that Aaron manages to see can't quite capture everything that is Alexander at his best, but even pixelated he looks full of fire and confidence in a way that had been missing last season. Aaron feels a strange mix of relief and competitive determination while watching it. 

They don't actually meet until the junior Grand Prix final. There, Alexander just misses the podium, and Aaron just misses beating Alexander. Aaron's complex feelings about Alexander briefly take a backseat to a more pure form of resentment when Alexander grins triumphantly at Aaron afterward, as if Alexander had won gold instead of taking fourth. 

Aaron smiles back blandly, refusing to react because he knows it drives Alexander insane. The interaction seems to settle any remaining questions Aaron had about if something had changed in their relationship, clearly they've returned to normal. But then, that night there's a knock at Aaron’s door. His stomach twists, but he berates himself for assuming it's Alexander. It could be anyone. 

It’s Alexander. He smiles at Aaron and says, “Can I come in?” 

It’s an innocent question, but his gaze drops to Aaron's mouth as he says it. It's too subtle for anyone passing in the hall to notice, although no one is there, but Aaron knows exactly what he's agreeing to. He silently opens the door wider, letting Alexander step into the room. 

There's no awkward discussion this time, instead Alexander immediately leans in to kiss Aaron in a matter of fact way, and Aaron draws on his new practice to respond. Unlike last time, they actually manage to get each other out their clothes, and Aaron gives and receives his first handjob. Afterward Alexander quickly redresses and slips out, stopping only for one last kiss.

Aaron isn't really left with any clearer idea of how he feels about Alexander, or where they stand with one another. They meet twice more that season, at nationals and worlds, and both times Alexander beats Aaron, filling Aaron with resentment, particularly when Alexander takes his national title. But both times, afterward, Alexander comes to Aaron's room and they have sex. 

Aaron supposes that's all he really needs to know.

#

The next year, Aaron and Alexander both turn senior. The competition on the senior level is much more advanced, it takes longer to adjust then Aaron hoped, and neither of them do as well as they would like in the lead up to nationals. 

A new aspect of senior level skating is the amount of attention they get from the media. Figure skating in the U.S. isn't exactly football, but there are loyal fans and bloggers, the occasional U.S. journalist, and the international press. Somewhere in all of that, a popular narrative about Aaron and Alexander’s rivalry forms. In the few interviews Aaron is asked to do, he’s always asked about Alexander. Aaron tries to be polite, and not single out Alexander from the other competitors too much. Aaron doesn't mention how sometimes it feels like winning is a secondary goal to beating Alexander, instead offering bland cliches about competition, and highlighting notable performances from other skaters. Alexander, typically, is much more forthright in his interviews. He discusses Aaron's flaws, but also suggests that Aaron is his only real competition in America, winning him few friends from the guys who have been pulling in third and fourth behind them for the past few years. 

The press loves it, portraying Aaron and Alexander as total opposites, Alexander the performer with big jumps, and Aaron the technician with quiet artistry. They even get a brief introduction during the network television coverage of nationals, with much the same theme. There’s a clip with Aaron offering a bland quote about the depth of the competition, but in his clip, Alexander says his goal is to win, and to beat Aaron, maybe not in that order. 

They both place on the nationals podium, their first senior wins, Alexander silver and Aaron bronze, displacing some older skaters who had placed in those positions in previous years. The national champion from last year defends his title, but it’s close and his tight smile when his scores come up suggest he knows it. Last year the senior U.S. men had performed terribly at worlds, only earning a single spot for one skater to attend this year. The defending champion gets selected for that spot, so instead Aaron and Alexander end out their season at the Four Continents Championship. There Aaron takes great delight in beating Alexander, even though they both lose out on the podium to a Japanese sweep.

The increased competition, the press narrative, all of it becomes a part of the complex web between Aaron and Alexander, the public part, that anyone can see. What only Aaron and Alexander know is that after each competition, without fail, Alexander shows up at Aaron's door and, without fail, Aaron invites him in. Aaron is quickly running out of firsts to experience, sometimes unsure how to feel about having them all with Alexander. They grow more familiar with each other, and some days the sex begins to feel like an extension of their relationship on the ice, push and pull, a desire to one-up one another, while other days it feels like a reprieve, the only place they don’t have to live up to those roles. 

#

The next year, Aaron starts to find his place in the senior skating world, winning his first Grand Prix medal and taking his first senior national title, with Alexander glaring up at him from the silver medal position just like the first time they met. At the world championship, Aaron manages to place high enough to earn the U.S. men two spots for the following year. This turns out to be to his advantage the next year since Alexander switches their positions on the nationals podium, taking the gold to Aaron’s silver. It’s the year before the Olympics, and the pressure is on for them to place high enough at worlds to earn the maximum three spots for the U.S. men. Although neither of them land on the podium, they manage to achieve this, much to the relief of the U.S. skating federation. 

The year leading up to the Olympics is intense beyond anything Aaron has experienced so far. The U.S. media actually pays attention to the Grand Prix results, and the nationals audience is the largest Aaron’s ever experienced. And, although Aaron and Alexander are prohibitive favorites to end up on the Olympic team, it’s still the most nerve wracking nationals Aaron’s had so far. Alexander takes the title, charming the crowd with his cheesy choreography, and Aaron places second. Aaron smiles tightly through the medal ceremony, trying not to seem disappointed. It’s only losing to Alexander that’s disappointing, the second place finish, with the three Olympic spots that Aaron helped earn means there’s no way the federation won’t send him to the games. 

After the team is announced, with Aaron and Alexander both on it, they get interviewed by network television. Alexander is annoyingly cocky, as if the international competition isn’t fierce, and makes sure to bring up his  _ two _ national titles, and point out that Aaron only has one. In his interview, Aaron talks about how excited he is to go to the Olympics, and what a great experience it will be. He doesn’t mention Alexander, even though Alexander stands behind the camera man laughing at him, until the interviewer pointedly asks Aaron about their rivalry. Aaron just says that he has many rivals, and names a couple of the international skaters that soundly beat Alexander earlier in the season. Alexander is glaring now, and Aaron smiles blandly at the interviewer as she wraps the interview. 

Later, when Alexander comes to Aaron’s room, he seems determined to leave a memory with Aaron, as if he needs to impress Aaron here at least. The whole run up to the Olympics, the tension that has run through every competition and training event, has infused their normal meetings with an extra spark, the fight for wins making its way into the bedroom. At this point in his life, Aaron has had sex with a few people, some of it quite good, but nothing in his experience, not even his past meetings with Alexander, can compare to the exquisite tension of their encounters this season. Each session is a battle, but, unlike on the ice, Aaron isn’t sure if he likes winning or losing more, or even which is which. Is it losing to have Alexander pin him into the mattress, holding Aaron’s hands above his head, as he fucks him fast and hard? Or is Alexander losing when Aaron is in control, riding Alexander while he clutches convulsively at Aaron’s hips? It’s difficult to say one way or the other, but even so they push each other to see who gets to take the lead, the struggle as much a part of their relationship here, as it is outside the bedroom.  

In the month between nationals and the Olympics, Aaron trains as hard as he ever has. He also gets asked to do one of those sincere, stupid interviews with the network covering the Olympics. They collect footage of him practicing, and try to get him to say something controversial during the interview itself. He can only imagine what Alexander must have said in his. 

The days go by faster than they should, and suddenly there they are, at the games. Time seems to stop for a long moment when Aaron walks out in the mass of U.S. athletes for the opening ceremonies. All the figure skaters are clumped together in the crowd, huddling close to the people they know. Somehow they’ve ended up next to the mass of tall, buff people making up the hockey teams, which has the effect of making the skaters look like children with adult chaperones. Aaron and Alexander have made different friends among the other skaters here, Alexander joking around with the pairs skaters, and Aaron with the rest of the singles skaters. The ice dancers all hang together, willowy and remote, filled with the confidence of knowing they’re the only real chance at a U.S. medal here. 

At the end of the parade of nations, looking out over the crowd of athletes and of spectators, buffeted by the sheer noise of it, Aaron feels overwhelmed. For a minute, he can’t imagine going out and skating with all of this weighing on him, pushing at his mind, but then he sees Alexander watching him across the crowd. Alexander’s frowning at Aaron, but when Aaron catches him watching he quickly shifts to a cocky smile. Alexander pushes through the skaters and the one lost ski-jumper in between them until he’s by Aaron’s side, and then he leans in to shout over the roar of the crowd, “I’m going to own you.” 

It’s so immature, and so pointless, but somehow it’s exactly what Aaron needs to hear in that moment. He pulls back to glare at Alexander and shakes his head, a firm no. Whatever else might happen here, he can beat Alexander. 

In the rest of the days leading up to the men’s competition, when Aaron starts to feel nervous, he remembers the determination he felt in that moment. When the competition comes, Aaron skates well, both in the short program and the free skate. Alexander goes down on his quad in the short program, under rotated, and not even a great free skate can quite make up the points he loses. Aaron places ahead of him, and although they both do well overall, neither of them are near the podium. As expected, only the ice dancers medal, winning both the gold and the bronze. 

When the men’s portion is over there are still three days left in the overall competition, ladies last to skate as always. Aaron and Alexander spend a lot of this time in bed. Luckily, Aaron’s snowboarding roommate has already left for a weed infused victory tour of Europe. It’s hard to say if the sex is a celebration for what is afterall a good placement for them, or an antidote for the disappointment that no miracle pushed them to the top of the podium, or just unwinding after the tension of the season. In contrast to the hard, competitive fucks they had through the rest of the season, the time they spend together now is mostly slow, as if suddenly they have all the time in the world. Despite this, something intense lingers, some spark that hasn’t faded, that makes it intoxicating, that keeps them locked away together whenever they can.

Worlds that year feels a bit hollow, many of the older skaters skip it, already on their way to retirement, or hiatus. Aaron and Alexander both go, but, even with the absences, neither of them can reach the medals, and the best thing Aaron gets out of it is a spectacular blowjob afterwards. 

#

The next season is a return to normalcy in a lot of ways. The tension of the Olympic year seems to have drained away. Aaron and Alexander return to their base level competitiveness, although after the trial of the Olympic year there’s something almost quaint about it now, still fierce, but also comfortingly familiar. This is particularly true as younger skaters come up through the ranks with huge jumps and fresh energy. It feels a little like Aaron and Alexander are standing together against this wave of new competition. They might be young in real world terms, but in skating terms they’re starting to creep up on middled aged. Aaron notices his injuries are beginning to linger in a way that they hadn’t when he was in juniors, and Alexander ends the season plagued by a hip injury that leaves him pulling up short on some of his jumps. This places him behind Aaron at nationals, and well behind many of the younger skaters at worlds. 

Alexander’s hip doesn’t fully heal over the summer break, perhaps worsened by the fact that he does summer skating shows, presumably needing the money. As a result, the next season is a constant fight for Alexander. He withdraws from one of his Grand Prix assignments, which gives him a month and a half without a competition before nationals. At nationals, at first it seems like the time off has allowed him to heal, he’s ahead of Aaron after landing all his jumps in the short program, but then in the free skate he goes down hard on his second quad, popping most of his remaining jumps after that. Aaron had skated first, and watches the whole unfortunate performance. Despite the relief of knowing Aaron has another title in the bag, it’s hard for him to watch Alexander implode. Worse still, is Alexander’s set expression as he receives his scores, which looks less like disappointment and more like pain. 

Given that, Aaron isn’t surprised to hear that Alexander goes straight from the competition to a local hospital to get scans done. Aaron  _ is  _ surprised when Alexander still shows up at his room that night. Alexander looks a little glassy, painkillers probably, and he’s favoring one side, but he limps into the room. 

“Jesus, Alexander, shouldn’t you be resting?” Aaron says, trying not to hover as Alexander makes his uneven way to the bed. 

Alexander shakes his head stubbornly, and gingerly lays down on the bed. He takes a minute to catch his breath, and then gestures Aaron to lay next him, “Come here.” 

Aaron sits down, but doesn’t make a move to start anything, looking critically at the lines of pain that are still evident on Alexander’s face despite whatever pills he might have been given, “I’m not sure this is what you need right now.” 

Alexander glares at him, and tugs at Aaron’s shirt, indicating that Aaron should lean down for a kiss. Aaron resists, and Alexander lets go with a sigh. He looks away from Aaron, as if studying the ugly painting hanging on the wall for a minute, and then finally says, “It’s going to need surgery. They’re talking a whole year away for recovery.” 

Aaron feels his stomach drop. A year away is bad enough, but an injury that bad, that much time off, means no guaranteed return to form. Alexander might never make it back to who he was before. And even if he does come back, the work he’s going to have to put in to rebuild after that much time off is immense. A selfish part of Aaron, one that he doesn’t want to acknowledge, can’t help but think about himself. He isn’t sure he knows how to exist anymore as a competitor without Alexander. What is he going to do next season without Alexander pushing him forward? And an even more hidden part of Aaron is thinking about a year without this, a year without these stolen moments with Alexander.  

Alexander is still studying the painting, his expression forcefully blank, and Aaron doesn’t want to think about all that time without him, so instead Aaron leans forward for the kiss Alexander had wanted. Alexander responds eagerly, and Aaron tries distract them both, tries to lose himself in it for a moment. 

Aaron can’t quite manage it for himself, too focused on carefully holding himself so he’s not placing any weight on Alexander’s injury. However, he seems to manage to distract Alexander, who keeps trying to pull Aaron closer and closer. Aaron slides as near as he can without hurting Alexander, and eases Alexander’s cock out of his sweatpants. Alexander moans as Aaron hits the rhythm he knows Alexander likes. Then Alexander is twisting, wrapping an arm around Aaron and burying his face in Aaron’s chest. It’s suddenly half sex and half a hug, but Aaron goes with it, leaning into Alexander a bit more to press a kiss to his hair. When Alexander comes he slumps back down on the pillows, endorphins temporarily easing the lines of pain on his face. The orgasm and accompanying cessation of pain, combine with the fog of painkillers and he falls asleep between one breath and the next. 

Aaron doesn’t mind, he’s only half hard anyway, and Alexander clearly could use the sleep. Aaron cleans up and tucks Alexander back into his clothes. Then, after a moment of thought, he pulls the bedspread up over Alexander. They never sleep together, Alexander always slips away as soon as they’re done, and it’s strange to see him asleep now. He looks peaceful, quiet, and innocent, all things which do not describe Alexander in waking. Aaron watches him for a moment, noting the dark fan of his eyelashes, the tangle of his hair contrasting with the white of the hotel pillows. Then Aaron curls up next to Alexander, and lets himself drift off to sleep as well.

Aaron wakes up around five, startled awake by Alexander trying to get out of bed. Alexander’s muscles have stiffened up after sleeping, and it’s obvious his hip is hurting. Aaron slides out of bed and says, “Let me help you.” 

Alexander shakes his head no, but when he almost falls twice just standing up, he’s forced to concede, leaning on Aaron as they makes their way back to Alexander’s room. By the time they reach the room, two floors down, and on the other side of the building, Alexander’s loosened up a bit, and Aaron is no longer worried that Alexander is going to topple over the minute he’s alone. Alexander doesn’t invite Aaron in or open the door, and Aaron vaguely remembers that Alexander is sharing a room with one of Martha’s younger skaters. 

Aaron realizes abruptly that this is it, he won’t see Alexander for months or more. He glances at the emptiness of the hall, and then leans in to press a soft kiss to Alexander’s mouth. Alexander looks surprised, but leans in for one more. It becomes less a kiss and more a series of kisses, but Aaron finally pulls back to look seriously at Alexander, “I’ll see you in a year.” 

Alexander nods, looking determined. 

Aaron doesn’t look back as he walks away. 

#

The next season feels strangely empty. Aaron does well enough. He defends his title, and when the press asks about Alexander, Aaron says the new crop of skaters challenge him as much as Alexander ever did. It might even be true, but it still seems hollow somehow, and Aaron is relieved to hear down the rumor mill that Alexander’s recovery is going well. It’s just not as satisfying to win if Aaron isn’t beating Alexander. 

#

And then next season it’s somehow an Olympic season again. In the four years since the last Olympics so many people have retired, and there new faces are everywhere. But Alexander is back, and that at least feels familiar and right to Aaron. Alexander’s fully recovered, and somehow at top form, as if he’s not been gone at all. He’s having a great season, placing well at all his events, and seems twice as competitive as usual, both on the ice and in interviews where he doesn’t hold back his thoughts at all. Aaron feels himself trying harder, doing better than he had last season. If asked, Aaron would’ve said he was trying his best last year, but Alexander always manages to push him just that little bit further. As a result, Aaron finds himself having a wonderful season as well, buoyed along both by the pressure of the Olympics and Alexander’s return. 

Going into nationals the media coverage is just as over the top as the last Olympics. They seemed determine to play up the tension between Aaron and Alexander, portraying it as a fight for Olympic gold, which is a nice idea, but somewhat unrealistic. It’s not that Aaron has never dreamed of it, but there are about five other skaters that would have to come down with a serious case of failure for either Aaron or Alexander to win gold this year. Aaron tries to push all the hype aside, and just focus on beating Alexander out for the national title. 

In the end, Aaron doesn’t manage that. At nationals, Aaron is good, but Alexander is brilliant, and Aaron takes the silver. Their encounter afterward is fraught, both because of the heightened nature of the Olympic year and because of the long time away from one another. After, neither of them seems ready to part when they normally would, and instead of Alexander sneaking out as usual, they make awkward conversation and doze until they are ready to do it all over again. Alexander finally stumbles out of the room when the dawn light is starting to creep under the curtain, and they know they won’t see each other like this again until they arrive at the games. 

The Olympics are as awe inspiring the second time as the first, but there is something routine about the whole process this time, from the increased media coverage, to the flurry of the opening ceremonies, and the constant thrum of tension that everyone seems to feel. Last time Alexander and Aaron had both been new at this, but now the younger skaters look to them as a source of expertise on the whole matter, which seems strange to Aaron. This shared experience means, that as much as the media likes to portray Aaron and Alexander as absolute rivals, and as much as that’s true on some level, on another level Aaron can’t help but feel one more connection to Alexander that he doesn’t share with anyone else here. Aaron’s not quite sure if that’s true for Alexander, he has Martha after all, but it’s certainly true that whatever the both of them say for the cameras, in the in between moments they drift together more often than not. 

When the men’s competition starts, they both do surprisingly well in the short program, a couple of the highly ranked men make uncharacteristic mistakes, leaving room at the top. The American media kicks into overdrive, obsessed with the idea that they could medal, but Aaron tries not to think about it, tries to focus only on doing his best. He and Alexander don’t talk about the standings, now too focused for anything other than a brief acknowledgement as they pass each other at practice. 

The day of the free program, Aaron is as nervous as he’s ever been, but he draws on the experience of a lifetime of competing and manages to keep himself centered. The draw for starting order has left him skating in last place, which means he’s been focused on staying warmed up, and not getting stiff in the long wait for his turn. When he hits the ice he’s not sure what anyone else has done, trying to pay as little attention as possible. He can’t help but be aware that the Canadian skater who has gone directly before him has done very well. As Aaron warms up again, waiting for the Canadian’s scores, the sweepers collecting the flowers and toys on the ice make trip after trip, clearing away gifts, and when the scores do come up there’s a huge cheer from the crowd. Aaron works to push all of this aside, checks in with his coach, and manages to take his opening pose with a clear mind. When he skates everything falls into place. On a bad day, no amount of training and preparation can help, but today it feels like every moment he’s spent on the ice, every extra practice, every dance class, has lead him here. He’s skating better than he’s ever skated before, skating like the best practice runs when there’s no pressure, but with the added energy of the crowd lifting the performance. He connects with the audience, lands his jumps, and his edges are precise and deep. When he finishes, the crowd roars, and he can’t stop smiling as he takes his bows and waves to them. 

It’s a cliche, but Aaron honestly doesn’t care about his score for a minute. He’s just happy to have put that kind of skate out, and to have done it on the biggest stage is dream enough. When the score comes up, and he’s in bronze medal position he can’t even settle on a single reaction. He’s shocked, he’s disbelieving, he’s happy, and his coach is hugging him. Aaron smiles a broad, real smile and stands to wave to the cheering audience. It feels like a dream, like he’s not even sure his feet are touching ground as he walks backstage to prepare for the medal ceremony. It’s only when he’s lining up with the other skaters who medaled that he thinks to wonder how Alexander did. He turns to ask his coach at the last minute before his name is announced, and she shakes her head at him, but tells him Alexander placed eighth, a couple of major errors on his jumps. 

The medal ceremony is surreal, and Aaron can’t stop giving the medal small touches, just to make sure it’s really there. After the press and the random congratulations, Aaron doesn’t get back to his room until late. He didn’t have a roommate this time, and the quiet is nice. He’s not really expecting Alexander, who Aaron hasn’t seen since before they skated. Alexander had disappeared from the arena as soon as he had done the minimum post-competition press. Aaron thinks if their positions were reversed that he wouldn't really be in the mood for a fuck, or to see anyone at all. So he’s surprised when there’s a knock at his door not long after he gets back and it’s Alexander. Aaron lets him in silently, not sure how he wants to play this. 

Alexander’s eyes are drawn to the medal which Aaron had left on the corner of the bed, but he turns his back to it, instead facing Aaron who’s still lingering at the door. Alexander looks tired, as if all the effort and pain of the surgery, recovery, and comeback has left him drained without the fire of competition to bolster him. He still doesn’t say anything, just reaches forward and starts pulling Aaron’s shirt off. Aaron lets him, and then takes the hint when Alexander reaches for Aaron’s pants, and takes the rest of his clothes off himself, while Alexander efficiently strips out of his own. 

When they are naked, Alexander, back still to the bed and the medal, kisses Aaron. It’s a harsh, biting kiss, and Aaron takes the hint that this isn’t going to be a sweet encounter. He experimentally pushes back, trying to take control and Alexander immediately concedes, as if this is what he wanted all along. Aaron plays along, drawing on his long history with Alexander to push him in all the ways that Aaron knows he sometimes likes to be pushed, pulling at his hair to angle him for the best kiss, and manhandling him back into the bed. Alexander is pliant, but makes the soft noises that let Aaron know he’s liking it. 

Aaron gets a little lost in the kisses, lost in Alexander’s warm mouth, forgetting to be rough, forgetting anything but the slide of skin on skin, but then Alexander pushes Aaron off of him, “No, I want you to fuck me.” 

Aaron isn’t going to complain about that, so instead he goes to get a condom and some lube from his bag. When he turns back to the bed, Alexander is holding the medal, fingers pressed tight against its edges. Aaron pauses, not sure what to say, but Alexander just gestures him over. Aaron goes to him, and he pushes into Aaron’s space, placing the medal around Aaron’s neck. Alexander fusses, smoothing the ribbon and making sure the medallion is lying flat against Aaron’s bare chest. When he’s satisfied, he turns and crawls on the bed, up on his hands and knees. 

It’s awkward to be wearing the medal, awkward to have it between them, a visible sign of Aaron’s success and Alexander’s failure. Aaron’s chest feels tight with some unnamable emotion, but as usual, he wants Alexander, and he wants to give Alexander what he can, even if it’s this. So instead of letting himself dwell on it, Aaron crawls up on the bed behind Alexander to prep him. Alexander is restless, making noises of discontent every time Aaron tries to be gentle with him. A kiss on the shoulder is a no, but a bite in the muscle there is a yes. Slow on the prep is a no, but fast and a little rough is a yes. A soothing hand along his side is a no, but a tight grip on his hip is a yes. 

When Aaron slides on the condom, and begins in ease in, Alexander is tight, but impatient with any effort on Aaron’s part to allow him time to adjust. Aaron goes as slowly as Alexander will allow, but once he starts to move Alexander only has one thing to say, “Harder.” 

Aaron complies, making Alexander moan, as he slams into him again and again. Alexander feels so good around him, but he’s focused on giving Alexander what he wants and Aaron tries to push his own pleasure aside. The sounds of Alexander’s moans, and the filthy sounds of skin on skin fill Aaron’s ears, but Alexander still manages to get out one more broken request, “More.” 

Aaron isn’t sure how much more he has to give, but Alexander wants rough, so Aaron slides one hand into Alexander’s hair, and then twists his fingers, using the hair to pull Alexander’s face down towards the bed, throwing Alexander off balance. Alexander goes down to his elbows, and Aaron uses the new angle to drive into as hard as he can, finding the spot that makes Alexander gasp and moan, finally seeming satisfied. The medal is trapped between them, digging into Alexander’s back, especially as Aaron leans into him to grasp his cock working him with quick strokes. The medal grinds into Alexander’s back, probably bruising, and Aaron isn’t sure if it’s his hand on Alexander’s cock, or the sharp press of the medal that finally send Alexander over the edge. In either case, Alexander’s coming with a moan, and then Aaron pushes forward, finally allowing himself to focus on his own pleasure, and quickly follows Alexander into orgasm. 

Afterward, Aaron eases his weight off Alexander, sliding out of him carefully, and untangling his hand from Alexander’s hair as gently as he can. Alexander seems out of it, as if all the exhaustion and disappointment has caught up with him, so Aaron cleans him up as carefully as he can, trying not to wince at the red mark on his back where the medal has bruised him. Other than that, Alexander doesn’t seem worse for the wear, and he lazily cuddles up to Aaron, so Aaron supposes it was a success. 

They stay like that, wrapped up in each other longer than they usually would, until Alexander, face mostly hidden in Aaron’s chest, says, “Congratulations.” 

Aaron freezes for a moment, his hand stilling where it had been idly been smoothing Alexander’s hair, and then he says back, softly, “Thank you.” 

Alexander stays maybe fifteen minutes longer, but doesn’t say anything else before he leaves. 

They don’t have any time alone for the rest of the games, and Aaron misses that Worlds with an ankle injury. When they see each other next, Alexander seems to have put the disappointment behind him.

#

Over the summer Aaron is faced with serious questions about his future. It seems ridiculous to retire after he’s had his best season ever, but logically it’s almost impossible that he’ll make it through another Olympics quad. He’s going to be twenty-six this year, which isn’t so bad, but that means he’d be twenty-nine at the next Olympics which is unlikely at best. Injuries are lingering longer and longer, and it will only get worse. He’s already starting to struggle with jumps that used to come naturally to him, but skating has been such an important part of his life, first as just something he loved, and then as the thing that centered him after his parents died, and he can’t quite make up his mind to retire. Instead he decides to skate this season, and then reevaluate. 

Additionally, he agrees to perform for the summer shows that invite him. In the past he’s only done a handful of appearances at this type of event. He doesn’t need the money, and he prefers to spend his summers working on his conditioning and programs for the next season. But this summer he wants to spend as much time skating as possible. Alexander, of course, is a regular on these types of tours. He does need the money, and he’s a frequent invitee because audiences love him. He knows how to play to a crowd in a natural way that even after years of skating Aaron has never fully perfected. 

On the shows Aaron has done in the past, he’s only overlapped with Alexander twice. The organizers had taken pains to make sure they bunked with other skaters, wanting to avoid any drama, so Aaron and Alexander had only managed a couple of stolen hook-ups in a bathroom, and once in a maintenance closet. This time, somehow, Alexander has convinced the organizers to make Aaron his roommate. In public he trash talks Aaron like it’s a game they’re playing, while Aaron just ignores him to hang out with other people on the tour, but at night it’s the most time they’ve ever had to just spend with one another, and they take full advantage. One night they hardly get any sleep at all, and an obviously tired Aaron has to fend off the concern of one of the retired skaters on the tour, who seems to be under the impression that they were fighting all night. Her mother hen impersonation is sweet, but Aaron never wants to have to relive assuring her that they weren’t fighting, while trying not to think about what they were actually doing. 

Even with that embarrassment lingering, Aaron turns down all goodhearted offers to switch rooms with him, to spare him Alexander’s presence. Instead, he secretly enjoys spending as much time with Alexander as possible, not just for the sex, but for his humor as well, and for the way they start to fall asleep tangled together, warm and grounding. With all of that, and with getting to skate regularly without the pressure of competition, it’s one of the better summers of Aaron’s life, and it passes far faster than it should. All too soon he’s home, sleeping alone in his bed, and preparing for what might be his final competitive season.  

He starts the season strong, a small competition before the Grand Prix series starts. Alexander is there and Aaron beats him, and wins the whole thing. On the Grand Prix things start to go downhill however. At Aaron’s first assignment, his landing knee starts bothering him, and by the second it’s not healed and getting worse. 

He has a break before nationals since he doesn’t qualify for the Grand Prix final, and at first it seems like it’s better, like he can prove the doctors wrong. But, at nationals, after a good short program it starts aching worse than ever. His practice before the free skate is a series of falls, and he has to have the rink doctors give him an injection for the free skate, something that numbs it without really fixing anything. It makes him nervous to skate like that, without really feeling, without knowing if he’s hurting himself or not, but he goes out anyway. He manages to perform, to pull the crowd in, and, even with a few jump bobbles, he scrapes past Alexander to win the title. The applause from the crowd, the feeling of the medal around his neck, the satisfaction of Alexander one step down on the podium again, all of it feels muted and bittersweet because somewhere in the back of Aaron’s mind is the knowledge that this is it, that he’s going to have to give all this up, that he won’t be back here. 

He skates in his last nationals gala that evening, smiling for the crowd, and trying to give them a performance that they’ll remember. The numbing is starting to wear off, and he has a stupid fall out of a jump, and when he gets up his shoulder is aching too. It feels like punctuation, like a period at the end of the sentence of his career. 

When Alexander comes to Aaron’s room that night, the numbing on the knee is almost gone, leaving Aaron limping. He’s also in the middle of icing his shoulder, and Alexander’s face softens when he sees Aaron, clutching the ice pack to his shoulder. He hovers as Aaron limps back to the bed, as if he thinks Aaron might fall over, but Aaron has it under control, he doesn’t need Alexander’s sympathy. 

Aaron lowers himself onto the bed, ice pack slipping, and then Alexander is there, gently holding it in place as he sits next to Aaron. He doesn’t say anything for a minute, just observing Aaron, who stubbornly reaches up and takes the ice pack back. Alexander watches him settle it back in place, eyes warm in a way that Aaron doesn’t want to think about. Alexander reaches up and gently touches Aaron’s face, running his thumb along Aaron’s cheek in a soft, soothing caress, and asks “Why do we do this to ourselves?”

His touch is kind, affectionate, fond, none of which Aaron wants right now. Aaron pulls back, and tosses the ice pack on the floor, meeting Alexander’s fond gaze, with a challenge, “Because I can still beat you.” 

Alexander’s look hardens a bit, the warmth replaced by the stubborn look he gives Aaron before every competition, which is what Aaron wants. For the past decade skating has grounded Aaron, and now he’s losing skating, so for the moment let this ground him. He pushes into Alexander, a little rough in the way that they can be with one another, biting his lower lip and Alexander goes with it, kissing back with an edge. 

The sex is good, a little frantic, keeping Aaron here, keeping him focused. It’s only afterward, when he’s catching his breath next to Alexander, that he realizes how careful Alexander had been not to put any strain on Aaron’s knee or shoulder. The realization makes Aaron’s chest ache in a way that he doesn’t want to examine. 

Alexander isn’t leaving right away, and Aaron doesn’t push him to go. Instead after a minute, staring at the ceiling, he says, “This is it. I’m retiring after this year.” He has barely admitted it to himself, and hasn’t told anyone else yet, not even his coach, no one, but it seems right that Alexander be the first to know.

Alexander tenses next to him, and then rolls closer, burying his face in the crook of Aaron’s neck, “I’ll see you at Worlds though?” 

“If my knee holds out.” 

“Okay,” Alexander says softly, and then again, “Okay.” 

They stay that way for a bit, and when Alexander does leave he kisses Aaron softly goodbye, and then again, and again as if he can’t quite bring himself to go. Finally he does, but he says once more on the way out, “I’ll see you.” 

Aaron just nods, not displeased, but confused by the insistence. 

In the end he doesn’t see Alexander. Two weeks later at practice he lands a jump and feels something irrevocable shift in his knee, and instead of going to Worlds he spends the next four months rehabbing from the surgery that ensues. 

# 

While Aaron recovers he has to come up with a life plan outside of competitive skating. In the end he decides to go to college like his grandparents want. Between his decent high school grades, the college credits he’s managed to scrape over the years, and the whole Olympic medalist thing, he manages to get into a school in Michigan. This is ideal because he also gets a part time job as an assistant coach at one of the rinks there, run by Sally Hemmings, one of the best coaches in America. It keeps him fed and entertained when the business classes turn out to be every bit as boring as he imagined they would be. 

He makes new friends, both at the rink and at school, and settles into an okay life. He misses skating of course. Working at the rink allows him to skate occasionally, but nothing like the rigorous training he’s used to, no diet, no exercise schedule, and no constant injuries to nurse. It doesn’t seem like something you would miss, but somehow it is. The years pass, and he never quite gets used the absence of the routine, of competition. Although he he learns to draw satisfaction from the successes of his students. He’s mostly working with the younger kids so far, but when they do well, even at club and regional competitions, he feels a pride that might even be better than his own wins. 

He doesn’t see Alexander. As a part time assistant coach he doesn’t travel with the students, and he doesn’t have the heart to go to a competition just as an observer. Even when, in his second year of college, nationals is in Indiana, only a few hours away, he doesn’t go. He does hear about Alexander though. He’s still connected to the gossip of the figure skating world through work and friends and they keep him updated on Alexander’s career and to some degree his personal life. Aaron might also regularly watch Alexander’s programs on YouTube, but that’s between Aaron and the NSA. 

Alexander is still skating, and, despite his age, doing pretty well, although he’s more inconsistent as he gets older. By Aaron’s third year of college, the rumor is that Alexander’s hip is bothering him again, but when he hits his programs he has a good shot at winning any competition he’s in. His performance level has only gotten better with experience, the crowds love him, and when he lands his jumps they’re still huge. He takes the national title the first year Aaron is gone, but the next two years Alexander struggles with his jumps, coming up short against younger guys, breaking the streak of titles Aaron and Alexander had going. The commentators still bring Aaron up, unwilling to let go of their rivalry narrative even in Aaron’s absence. They enjoy pointing out each nationals that Alexander is one title shy of tying Aaron’s five senior titles. Aaron hopes that irritates Alexander.

On a personal level, during Aaron’s third year of college, Alexander gets married to a male ice dancer, John Laurens. According to rumor this greatly annoys the U.S. federation, who, as always, prefer their ice skaters to put up a heterosexual or at least non-sexual front. Aaron is sure that Alexander enjoys pissing off any conservative old people in the federation, but beyond that, in the pictures Aaron has seen online, Alexander looks happy and Laurens seems besotted. So Aaron is happy for them as well.  

Aaron’s third year of college is also another Olympic year, and despite Alexander’s inconsistency, his marriage, and his age, he gets picked for the Olympic team again. Aaron even gets asked to film a short interview for the piece that the network wants to broadcast during the games. He politely declines. He can’t help but imagine being at the Olympics himself, even though the recurrent ache in his knees reminds him that it was never going to happen. 

The time difference means that the Olympics are in the middle of the night for Aaron, but he stays up to watch anyway, just him alone in the dark of his apartment. Alexander skates absurdly well in the short program, in medal contention, and the media is eating it up. Aaron’s sleep cycle is a mess, and he’s dozy all through his classes the next day, but he stays up again the next night, even though it’s just ice dance, to watch Alexander’s husband skate. Laurens’s partner is Eliza Schuyler, and together they aren’t bad, although they’re probably the third ranked U.S. team in a deep field, and unlikely to hit the podium here. To Aaron’s eye Eliza is the star of the team, but Laurens is skilled enough, and the smile he flashes for the crowd as they wait for their scores is charming. 

The next night is the men’s final and Aaron is absurdly nervous, invested as if one of his students were skating, as if he were skating. He shouldn’t have been worried though, Alexander skates like he’s twenty again, like he’s never heard the word injury. He pulls in the crowd, almost against their will as there are few Americans watching there, and he pulls Aaron in, from all the way across the world. When Alexander gets his scores, and they stand and stand through the remaining skaters until he’s got the silver medal it feels inevitable. Because of course Alexander would beat Aaron in this, no matter how many years or surgeries it took. Aaron watches the breathless post skate interview, the medal ceremony, wishing he was there to see Alexander’s beaming face in person. The sun is coming up, but Aaron says fuck it and stays up to watch Alexander get interviewed on the morning show. 

It’s morning here, but night there, and Alexander seems loopy, not drunk like some athletes inevitably are in this situation, but tired and still riding the high of winning. The interview is pretty standard, although Alexander makes sure to mention the support of his husband. There’s a repressed spark as he does it, as if he knows how many people he’s pissing off by mentioning it, and loves it. Aaron can’t help but like it too. But then at the end of the interview, the interviewer pulls a serious face, and asks Alexander about his age, his history of injury, and what drove him to keep skating. 

Alexander mirrors her serious expression right back to her, “You know, I asked Aaron Burr that same question a few years ago, and he told me, ‘Because I can still beat you.’” And then Alexander is smiling wickedly, and pulling the medal up in the frame, “I guess that’s my answer too.” And then he winks at the camera and kisses the medal, as if he knows Aaron is watching, as if he’s winking directly at him. It might just look like a cocky, competitive move to anyone but the two of them, but Aaron remembers the rough kiss he’d given Alexander immediately after saying that, three long years ago, and he’s suddenly achingly hard. It seems unreal that Alexander could have that effect on him across an ocean, through the television, but it’s true.

The interviewer finishes out the interview, trying not to look too gleeful at eliciting a moment that will no doubt be repeated over the next few days in chiding pieces about Alexander's lack of humility, and his contentious relationship with Aaron. 

Aaron turns off the television, already lost in the fantasy of how they might have fucked after a win like that, a hand on his cock. In his imagining there’s no husband to interfere, just the same old routine that tied them together for a decade. His imagination flits between several scenarios, half memory, half fantasy, and then he’s coming, much too fast, but there’s no one there to know. It rings a little hollow without Alexander’s presence. The rest of Aaron’s day involves trying to sleep through several phone calls from reporters wanting a comment on Alexander’s interview. That night he goes out, finds a stranger at a bar and tries to erase the hollow feeling. It doesn’t quite work.

#

The next year Aaron graduates and has to make a decision about where he goes from here. If anything, what the past four years of college have taught him is not theories of business or MLA formatting, but that what he’s really good at is still skating, even if now that means coaching. He’s been working for Sally’s team part time for four years now, and a few months before graduation she makes him an offer to stay on as a full time assistant coach. She even implies that if he does well she might hand over the reins to him when she retires. So Aaron turns to coaching full time after graduation. 

He’d liked his part-time work, but working as a full time coach is even better. He has more responsibility, and he gets to travel with the students to competitions. It’s not quite the thrill of competing himself, but helping someone else succeed, or to figure out how to move forward in the face of mistakes, is its own reward. 

Alexander has also taken on a coaching role, out in the Boston area, where Laurens trains. Aaron knows this, but somehow still feels surprised when he runs into Alexander at one of the small early season competitions. Aaron first realizes that Alexander is there during a practice session, Aaron’s student is warming up before hand, and Aaron is idly observing the other competitors when he feels someone staring at him. He turns, and it’s Alexander, watching him with an indecipherable look. Aaron’s own face slips briefly into surprise, but then he pulls himself together and smiles politely back. Alexander returns the smile, but there’s nothing polite about it, it’s the same wolf-like competitive look he always used to give Aaron before every event. 

Aaron isn’t sure what to think about that, surely Alexander can’t mean that they should fight a proxy battle with children, the girl Alexander’s standing with can’t be more than sixteen, and Aaron’s own skater is only eighteen. Aaron starts to be suspicious about what Alexander is like as a coach, but aside from that one smile, Alexander is perfectly professional for the rest of the competition. In fact, he seems to be rather good at this. His students seem well trained, and when they are nervous he seems to know what to say to each one to steady them. If they do well he congratulates them, and when one girl does very poorly he comforts her, but keeps her focused on how they’ll improve for next time. He charms the parents and other coaches easily, and is polite to the officials in a way that he hadn’t been known for back when it was own career on the line. By the last day of the competition, Aaron has to admit to himself that Alexander seems to be a pretty good coach.  

That night when there’s a knock on Aaron’s door, he’s honestly surprised to see Alexander, but Alexander doesn’t say anything, just pushes past him into the room. Aaron closes the door and turns, but before he can say anything, before he’s even fully turned around, Alexander is kissing him. Somehow Aaron hadn’t expected that either. For one second Aaron wants to kiss back, Alexander’s mouth, his hands on Aaron’s face, his familiar scent, all of it feels like coming home in some strange way, but Aaron pushes him away, “You are married.” 

Alexander had stepped back, tense when Aaron pushed him away, but now he relaxes, “I know that.” 

Aaron just raises an eyebrow at him. 

Alexander smiles, “Aaron, it’s fine really. He knows about you, it’s not a problem.”

Aaron isn’t even sure what that means, or how he feels about someone other than the two of them knowing about whatever this is. “So he knows where you are right now?”

Alexander rolls his eyes, “I don’t tell him my every movement, no. But he doesn’t expect me to, we have an agreement.” 

That wouldn’t surprise Aaron, rumors about who Alexander was sleeping with had been a constant source of entertainment for many during their competitive years, and it is hard to imagine him being tied down to one person. Even now, married to Laurens, there are rumors about Eliza. Aaron scrutinizes him, as if he could read the truth of it in Alexander’s face. He does seem sincere, unconcerned, but Aaron’s eyes keep dropping to the wedding ring on his finger. 

Alexander seems to sense that Aaron is wavering and steps closer, “It’s fine, I promise.” He places one hand, the left hand, the one with the ring, on Aaron’s shoulder, half gentling a nervous creature, and half a test to see if Aaron will allow it. 

Aaron finds, to his shame, that although he’s still not sure that Alexander isn’t lying, that he will allow it. He stumbles closer to Alexander, and this time he’s the one that initiates the kiss. Alexander sighs into it, relaxing into Aaron and wrapping his arms around him as if Alexander needs to be as close as possible, as soon as possible. Aaron understands the impulse, sliding his own hands up under Alexander’s shirt. If the earlier kiss, hardly more than a press of lips, had felt like coming home, this is like the feeling of relaxing into your own bed after a long trip away. It’s comfortable, familiar, soothing, and for a moment it’s more any of those things than it is arousing. However, this uncomplicated comfort is short lived, giving way to desire. No one knows Aaron the way Alexander does, no one knows every spot that drives him wild, or exactly how he likes to be touched. Even in the longer relationships Aaron had in college, he never quite had the connection that he has with Alexander.  

Afterward, Alexander lingers and Aaron studies him under the hotel room lights, looking for the changes of the past four years. A new surgery scar on the other hip, a scar on his leg that looks like a skate blade nicked him. Alexander is a year retired, and his body has started to shift without the daily exercise and the restricted diet needed for competition. He’s gained weight, and it looks good on him, particularly on his face where before he had always looked too thin, hungry all the time. Alexander is studying Aaron back, and Aaron wonders what he sees.  

Instead of asking, he leans down and kisses Alexander again, wanting just a little more contact before Alexander has to go. It seems ridiculous now that Aaron’s here again that he went four years without this, and he knows that even if Alexander did lie to him about Laurens that he can’t say no to this. Aaron knows that he wants this for as long as he can have it, even if he’s hurting John Laurens, who seems like a distant fiction in this moment. 

And just like that, it’s a return to their old relationship, as easy as if there was never a break, as if Aaron hadn’t had another life for four years. When they meet at the same competition they’re civil to each other as fellow coaches, perhaps even more than they used to be as competitors, although Alexander still looks smug when his students beat Aaron’s. Aaron doesn’t  _ look _ smug when his students beat Alexander’s, but he feels it, and he knows that Alexander, at least, can tell. But after the competition, Alexander always comes to Aaron’s hotel room, and Aaron always invites him in. 

This stays true even after Aaron runs into John Laurens for the first time at a competition. Laurens is quite a few years younger than Alexander, and he and Eliza are still competing, trying to challenge the reigning national champions of ice dance for top spot in the U.S. The first time Aaron and Laurens meet it’s in the back halls of a French ice rink, a Grand Prix event. Laurens is with Alexander, and he smiles a greeting to Aaron when Alexander introduces them, his hand casually resting on Laurens’s lower back. Aaron feels awkward, but smiles back. Later though, Aaron and Laurens run into each other again, in an empty hallway of the hotel, just the two of them. Laurens doesn’t say anything to Aaron at all, but his glare could melt steel. Aaron somehow finds this less surprising than the earlier, apparently feigned, unconcern. 

Aaron takes from this, that whatever arrangement Alexander and Laurens have, it’s not one that Laurens is happy with. Maybe if Aaron was a better person he would call a halt to his meetings with Alexander, or at least tell Alexander that Laurens isn’t happy, but it’s not like Laurens doesn’t have the power to make himself clear to Alexander, instead of just glaring at Aaron and pretending everything is fine when Alexander is there. When Alexander shows up at Aaron’s room later in the competition, Aaron lets him in, even knowing that somewhere else in this hotel is his husband, hating Aaron. Aaron feels guilty, but nowhere near guilty enough to turn Alexander away  


And that sets the pattern of their lives for the next few years. Aaron and Alexander gradually making a place for themselves as coaches, consistently hooking up at competitions, and Laurens regularly glaring at Aaron when no one is looking. Sometimes Aaron runs into Eliza, who just smirks knowingly at him, making Aaron suspect that she is also sleeping with Alexander. Eventually, after about seven years of marriage, for five of which Aaron was screwing his husband, Laurens divorces Alexander and retires all at once. Alexander seems more surprised then sad, and in scandalously short order marries Eliza, which seems to add weight to the popular rumor that he was screwing both of them the whole time. The only thing that changes for Aaron is that when Eliza smirks at him, now Aaron definitely knows she’s sleeping with Alexander. However, she isn’t around much, since she actually has non-figure skating plans for her post-retirement life. 

#

It’s a few years into Alexander’s marriage to Eliza that Aaron meets Theodosia. He meets her at the beginning of the summer, at a party thrown by a friend of a college friend. He likes to make sure that he occasionally spends time with people who talk about things other than the international skating union requirements, scoring irregularities, and skating gossip.

He notices from her across the room and asks his friends to introduce them, but so far hasn't found someone in his circle who knows her. But then she’s whispering with one of his other old friends from college, Robert, and the two of them are walking over to Aaron. Robert says, “Aaron, can I introduce you to Theodosia? She's a published writer.” Aaron smiles and shakes her hand as Robert continues, “Aaron is in sports.”

The handshake lingers as she gives Aaron a pointed once over, and he laughs, “I coach.”

She finally lets go of his hand and smirks at him, “I would have believed it either way.”

Robert raises a hand as if to ward off the flirtation, “Anyway, have fun.” He disappears back into the crowd, and the people Aaron had been talking to have melted away as well. He can't bring himself to feel anything other than pleased at this turn of events. 

He turns his best smile on her, “So writing and sports, that's very specific.”

She smiles back, “Robert is a master of detail. Maybe we should guess the rest?”

He studies her, “So I should guess what you write?” 

She nods, “Go for it.” 

“Novels.”

She grins bigger than before, “ What gave me away?”

He gestures to the room, “The way you watch people like you're trying to understand their story. I suppose you could have been a journalist, but your style says creative.” Her tunic sparkles. Years of skating have left him automatically fond of sparkle. 

She raises her eyebrows a little, “Thank you.”

He takes a sip of his drink, “You're welcome. Your turn.”

“Hm, sports aren't really my thing, so I might be bad at this.”

“It's all right, you probably wouldn't guess right away even if sports were your thing.”

She studies him, “So I'm guessing not football, baseball, or basketball?”

He laughs, “Definitely not.”

“But you played whatever it was before you coached?”

He nods, “I did.”

“Professionally?”

Aaron shakes his head, “It’s a strictly amateur sport these days.”

She seems to be thinking, tilting her head to one side as she considers him still, “Did you go to the Olympics?”

He lets his smile turn smug, “Twice.”

She straightens, seemingly not expecting that, “What? Okay, I'm feeling unpatriotic now.” Her eyes narrow, “You're not Canadian, are you?”

He laughs, “No, but we send a lot of people to the Olympics. You can't know them all.”

She nods thoughtfully, “True. What was your highest placement?”  


It's a diplomatic way of asking the question, most people just go straight for ‘did you medal?’

“Bronze, the second time.”

She's delighted, “So I'm talking to an Olympic medalist! But you don't seem at all perturbed that I don't know you, even with that hint.”

He shrugs, “It’s that kind of sport.”

She seems determined now, “Gymnastics.”

“I'm flattered, but no.”

She squints at his body again, taking in the only average shoulders (not gymnastics ready), and his thighs, still left thick after years away from competition, “Running of some sort?”

“Nope.”

She pouts at him, “It's super obscure, isn't it?” Before he can answer, she brightens, “Fencing!”

He laughs, charmed by her enthusiasm, “Not fencing.”

Her face falls again. 

“Can I give you a hint?”

“You did so well. I'm failing as a student of human character.”

He smiles at her, “Ah, but you are essentially the most famous kind of writer. I'm the sports equivalent of the writer who writes the user agreements that you don't read when you update your computer. Much harder to guess.”

She smiles back, “Fair enough. Give me a hint then.”

He's briefly distracted by the discovery of a dimple on one side of her smile, but manages, “You have the wrong Olympics.”

She seems momentarily puzzled, “The wrong- Winter.” Her gaze sharpens, as well it might, winter is smaller, and the U.S. doesn’t send many black athletes to the winter games.

Her face clears, excitement taking over, “You're the figure skating guy.”

“I prefer Aaron.”

They are distracted for a moment, lost in each other's smiles, then she says, “I'm totally going to YouTube you later.”

“Yeah?” He's still smiling dopily at her. 

“Yeah, what’s the best? What should I look up?”

“Well I'm partial to the skate where I won an Olympic medal, but don't judge me on the figure skating fashions of years gone by.”

She sips her drink, “I'll do my best.”

“And you? What book should I read?”

She shifts a little closer as she answers, and Aaron's heart leaps. 

#

Theodosia is enthralling. She’s so smart, beautiful, and confident. She seems to like Aaron too, and by the end of the night she’s asked him if they can see each other some other time. 

They go on a quick series of dates, and Aaron learns that she has several well-reviewed novels out, that she’s married, but it’s an open relationship, and that she’s ten years older than Aaron. Those are just the facts though, he also learns the way her eyes crinkle when she’s said something funny, the feel of her curves under his hands, and the sound of her voice when she’s outsmarting everyone in the room and when she’s whispering all the things she’s going to do to Aaron. He’s never fallen for someone as fast as he’s fallen for her, and he’s not sure he’s ever loved anyone the way he loves her. 

They spend much of the summer together, her husband away on a series of business trips, which she says is pretty typical. It’s not until a couple of months into the relationship, with the start of the figure skating season looming, that he feels the need to discuss Alexander specifically, although he’s already mentioned that he has another ongoing casual relationship. They’re laying in bed tired and satisfied, just cuddling and talking. She’s always curious, studying him like a character in one of her books, like she needs to know all the backstory, and quirks. Now she’s asking questions about his past relationships, “How long was your longest relationship?” 

He hesitates, not quite sure how to answer. She’s been watching her own fingers as they trace the lines of his chest, but the pause grows and she looks up at him, curiosity deepening. 

He tries, “It depends how you define relationship I guess.” 

Her gaze sharpens, sensing some new piece of character information, “Let’s define it broadly then.” 

He could dodge, she would let him, although she wouldn’t forget, but despite the fact that he’s never discussed Alexander with anyone, he’s willing to talk to her about almost anything. So he does the math, “Uh, about...well, off and on, about twenty years.” 

She’s staring at him, “You’re thirty-seven.” 

“Yes.” 

“Is this the person that you mentioned? The casual relationship that’s ongoing?”  

“Yes.” 

She laughs a little at that, “A casual two decade long relationship? That started before you were an adult?” 

He’s a little embarrassed when she describes it like that, but it’s the truth, “Yep.” 

She snuggles down into his shoulder, apparently having learned all she needed from his face for the moment, “Can you tell me about them?” 

How to describe Alexander? “What do you want to know?” 

“Hmm,” She seems to be thinking, “Same age, or did someone cradle rob you?” 

He laughs at her, “Creepy, thanks. He’s a year younger.” 

She smiles against his shoulder, “Aha, so I’ve learned two pieces of information. How did you meet?” 

“We met when I was twelve.” He smiles a little at the memory of Alexander, tiny and rude,  “Alexander was the competition.” 

She leans up again, to look at him, taking in the smile, which fades under her scrutiny, “What?” 

“Alexander, as in the guy in all the YouTube clips I watched? The guy the media spent like a decade portraying as your great rival?”

He shrugs. 

She lays back down, chuckling again, “You were fucking that whole time? I love that.” 

Aaron doesn’t say anything. 

“So tell me about Alexander. What did I miss only getting the television filtered view of him?”

This question again, how to describe Alexander? Aaron tries, “You probably got a good picture. He always loved playing the media, loved trying to piss me off by talking shit on national television. He’s very competitive. He’s coaching now too, that’s where we see each other. I’ll see him again this fall.”

She doesn’t say anything for a minute, “You miss him though, over the summer?” 

He shrugs, “We’ve only ever seen each other a few times a year, we see each other more now that we’re coaching I suppose, but when I retired we didn’t see each other for four years, so not exactly.”

She’s quiet for a minute, then “It’s hard to believe that a twenty year relationship is casual.” 

He’s not sure what she means, does she think he lied to her? “It is though, it’s just sex. We’re not even friends really.” 

She runs a hand along his chest soothingly, “I wasn’t complaining, I was just curious how that works.” 

He relaxes, “I mean, it is and it isn’t. It is casual in that we’re not dating. We spend a few hours fucking a year and that’s it. Aside from you, as far as I’m aware the only people who even know about it, are the two of us, and Alexander’s wife and ex-husband.” He pauses, trying to sort through his thoughts, “I suppose, it’s too long not to mean something. Alexander knew my parents before they died. We’ve known each other through a lot of changes. So, there's something, but it’s just time really.” 

She hums thoughtfully, and he can almost feel each bit of information being slotted away, undergirding future stories. 

He laughs, and slides down to hide his face in her shoulder instead, trying to shake the awkwardness of the moment. Who knew he had so much to say about Alexander. 

She doesn’t ask any more questions, just wraps him in a hug until they fall asleep. 

#

In the years that follow, Theodosia becomes as much a part of Aaron’s life as skating. They’re both busy people, particularly during the skating season for Aaron, and when she’s up against a writing deadline for Theodosia, but they find the time for one another over the years. Alexander seems surprised the first time he hears that Aaron has someone, but then asks after Theodosia whenever they see one another. It makes Aaron feel a little guilty because he never did anything of the sort for Laurens or Eliza. 

Although Aaron and Theodosia fit perfectly together when they’re alone, neither of them ever quite fit into the other aspects of each other’s lives. Aaron often feels out of place at parties with her writer friends. Most of the spare time he has for entertainment he spends on music, you never know when you might find the perfect song for a skating program. Sadly no one wants to talk about the latest musicals, or which Romeo and Juliet soundtrack is the best at these parties. Instead they all want to talk about the latest novels reviewed in the  _ New York Review of Books.  _ Aaron does try to read some of these books, but even when he manages to finish one, he never has the sort of in-depth opinions that people expect. 

Likewise, Theodosia never quite fits in with the skating world. People inevitably slide into talking shop, and while she tries to be polite, just as Aaron has nothing to say on literature, she has nothing to say on the intricacies of judging, the U.S. federation’s love of Spokane, or gossip about people she’s never met. 

Over the years they end up in a relationship that’s a bit more like Aaron’s relationship with Alexander than he likes to admit. That is, one that takes place mostly behind closed doors and away from other people. He can tell it doesn’t make Theodosia as happy as he would like, but aside from taking her out to dinner whenever he can, and pretending to like the latest thick book with an unhappy ending, he’s not quite sure what to do. They both have their careers, and neither of them can change who they are.

At the same time, Aaron and Alexander are both moving up the ranks of the coaching realm. They both have some students who do quite well on the world scene, and Aaron starts to have top students seeking him out, both from the U.S. and other countries. Once the best students start seeking him out it becomes a self reinforcing cycle, good students work with him and place well, so more talented students choose him. Within a few years he has a handful of students win world medals, which cements his reputation as one of the top coaches. Eventually Sally wants to retire, and Aaron officially takes over her business, his degree finally coming in useful as he tries to juggle a host of new responsibilities. 

Although it’s wonderful for Aaron’s career, he isn’t sure he wouldn’t have turned it down when this turns out to be the last straw with Theodosia. His new business concerns preoccupy his time, straining his relationship with Theodosia, and finally, four years after they met, she breaks it off. Aaron knows her, knows that once she’s made up her mind she’s unmovable, but he tries to convince her to change her mind anyway. She’s firm, and then, just like that, it’s over. 

Without her Aaron’s life feels empty. He hadn’t realized how much he liked being in a relationship until this, until it was over. To have someone to eat dinner with, to fall asleep with, and to share the little details of your life with even just some of the time. All of that had been wonderful, and that’s not even taking into account Theodosia herself. Where could Aaron ever find anyone as smart, as kind, as funny?

He goes through the next few weeks in a blur, coaching his students, managing the business, but in his little free time he sleeps, trying to escape the emptiness of a house without Theodosia’s endless array of hair products, without the stacks of post it notes with little story ideas that only made sense to her, without her kisses, and without her smiles. 

Then it’s the start of the Grand Prix season, and Aaron feels a small sense of relief because Alexander will be there. Alexander is no Theodosia, but he’s something. Aaron gets through the first competition he has with Alexander, focused on his students, until the last day. And then in the evening, he’s waiting for Alexander to show up, impatient. He can’t settle, and it occurs to him that he can go to Alexander. Aaron knows Alexander is just a few doors down on the same hall. Aaron pauses, but despite years of history, there’s no real reason he can’t be the one to seek out Alexander. Maybe at the very beginning Aaron liked to pretend that he was just going along with what Alexander wanted, but after nearly twenty five years that’s clearly not the case. So why shouldn’t Aaron go to Alexander if he wants to?

When Alexander opens his door, he looks so surprised that for a long moment Aaron thinks that maybe he isn’t alone, maybe Eliza is there, or someone else, but although Alexander says, “Aaron?” in a querying way, he opens the door wide for Aaron to enter.

Even in the room, Aaron feels restless, but asks, “Is this okay?” 

Alexander nods, hastily kicking a pile of dirty clothes closer to his suitcase, “Yeah, of course.” He gives up on straightening the room, and turns back to Aaron, “Just unprecedented. Are you okay?”

Aaron nods, and then shakes his head, “Theodosia left me.” 

Alexander’s face is all sympathy, “Shit Aaron, I’m sorry.” And then he’s pulling Aaron into a hug. For a minute the restlessness leaves Aaron. This is what he needs, something familiar and warm to ground him, it’s not Theodosia, but it’s enough to make him forget for a minute. But the moment fades, and he needs more. And Alexander has always been willing to give him more. And so, Aaron manages to distract himself for a little while. 

Afterward, as his heart slows back down, and the emptiness returns, Aaron faces being the one who has to sneak out into the halls for the first time. It feels a little sleazy, and he’s not sure how it hasn’t bothered Alexander all this time. He’s sitting up to figure out which of the clothes on the floor belong to him, and which are Alexander’s recently, or not so recently, discarded clothes, when Alexander places a hand on his hip, “Hey, you can stay if you want.” 

Aaron turns to look at him, surprised. This isn’t really something they do, and Alexander must be offering out of sympathy. It’s a tempting offer, to have someone to fall asleep against, the warmth of another person for at least one more night, but Aaron turns away, shaking his head. He can’t let himself stay, he can’t let himself try to replace Theodosia with Alexander, not when Alexander is going to go home to Eliza.  Whatever he and Alexander have it’s not like that, and it’s no use pretending.  


“Okay,” Alexander says, taking his hand off Aaron.

Aaron sorts out the clothes and sneaks back. One German skater sees him, but he doesn’t think she makes much of it. 

#

Aaron manages to get back to where he was before Theodosia, almost. He still misses her, and he registers in a way that he hadn’t before, the empty spaces in his life. His career is going well, but he’s in his early forties now, and while he has friends, his personal life feels incomplete. How is Alexander on his second marriage, and Aaron hasn’t ever been married? 

But then the next year, Alexander’s life is looking less enviable. It becomes very public knowledge that he was sleeping with one of the other assistant coaches at his rink, a Maria Reynolds, and not long after that, both he and Maria are getting divorced. Aaron isn’t sure if Maria was the impetus for Eliza divorcing Alexander, she never seemed to mind Aaron, but he is sure that she did the divorcing. Alexander isn’t quite his usual self for the next few competitions, and things are pretty awkward with the rest of his coaching staff. Aaron does his best to be there for Alexander, as Alexander was there for Aaron in the wake of Theodosia. 

Things get awkward enough that at the end of the season Alexander takes a new job, at a new rink. It’s actually taking over as head coach, a step up in his career, so it’s hard to say if he was asked to leave his old job, or if his divorce from Eliza simply freed him up to take a better offer, no longer tied to her job in Boston. 

The problem for Aaron is that the rink Alexander takes over is also in the Detroit area. They are now only a forty minute drive away from one another, and a part of the same small skating community. Everyone in the area seems to find this a delicious turn, because they’re all sure that Alexander and Aaron hate each other. Aside from twenty years of media propaganda, Aaron isn’t really sure why that is, since he thought that they’d been perfectly civil to one another in public for many years now. Alexander is probably adding fuel to the fire though, it’s one of his favorite games. And, to be honest, it probably doesn’t help that Aaron learns about Alexander’s move from one of his assistant coaches. In retrospect she’s clearly waited until they had an audience to tell him, and Aaron’s reaction (“Wait. Where? What? He’s doing what?”) probably didn’t help anything. 

When Alexander first gets to the Detroit area they don’t have any reason to see each other outside of the usual competitions for some months, but then there’s a local skating event that everyone in the area usually attends. Alexander and Aaron spot each other at the same time, at the reception drinking cheap wine, playing nice with parents and sponsors. Alexander gives Aaron a small smirk, before transforming it into a glare. It makes Aaron want to laugh, because he can see the twinkle in Alexander’s eye that means this is all one big joke to him. It doesn’t seem like anyone else can read it though, because Aaron sees a lot of eyes darting back and forth between the two of them. And Aaron might be in his forties now, but fuck it, this is still hilarious, so he nods coolly back at Alexander and then turns away as if he can’t stand the sight of him. It must sell it, because he can see people whispering to each other. These people clearly don’t know Alexander well, ignoring him never upset him quite like an uncaring smile. If Aaron had really wanted to piss Alexander off he would have smiled back as bland as possible, instead he’s played along and Alexander is probably delighted. 

This hypothesis is confirmed when Alexander manages to catch up to Aaron on his way out, and lead him into an empty hallway where they make out until Aaron gasps, “Come home with me.” 

Alexander pulls back, but it’s too dark in the hallway to see his expression, “Are you sure?” 

Aaron slides a hand up, finding Alexander mouth in the dark and tracing that soft lower lip with his thumb, “Yes. Why not?” 

Alexander playfully nips Aaron’s thumb, and then pulls back sorting through his coat pockets for his keys, “Why not indeed.” 

Alexander follows Aaron’s car back to his house, and it’s a different experience from the usual hotel encounter. There’s a contrast between the minute between Alexander’s knock and Aaron’s answer, to this thirty minute drive. It feels deliberate and maybe serious in a way that they never are. Alexander walking into Aaron’s house is also a surprise. In all their encounters they’ve never met anywhere more personal than a hotel room, and for Alexander to see the couch Aaron picked out, the pictures of his parents, the stacks of half read books, all of it feels strangely intimate. When they make it to the bedroom, and Alexander is stretched out naked in Aaron’s bed, it seems stranger still for a minute, until Aaron realizes that he never sees him up against anything but hotel white. He looks good on Aaron’s dark blue sheets.

Afterward, it seems too much to just boot Alexander out with a forty minute drive in the cold and dark, so when Alexander starts to sit up, Aaron just tightens his arm around him, “Stay. If you want.” 

Alexander pauses, unsure, but then slowly lays back down, and shifts into a comfortable position. Aaron lets him settle, and then snuggles closer. He has missed having someone in his bed, and maybe it doesn't have to be just for tonight. It seems different now that Alexander is here, in Detroit, in Aaron's house, in his sheets. They fall asleep, warm under Aaron’s blankets, and the next day Aaron feeds Alexander breakfast and coffee before sending him out into the crisp morning air. 

#

This turns into a new pattern for them, in public they despise each other, for no real reason except their mutual amusement, and in private Alexander becomes a regular visitor to Aaron’s home, Aaron visiting Alexander’s under furnished apartment a couple of times as well. At first it’s only when they run into each other, but then they live so close, it seems ridiculous to not just exchange phone numbers, and to see each other more often. 

Eventually it’s just a regular part of their routine, they see each other at least once a week barring travel, and more often than not Alexander spends the night. Sometimes they have dinner the night before, and in a few months Aaron has probably spent more actual time with Alexander than in all the previous years they’ve known one another. 

Despite the new amounts of time they spend together, in some ways it doesn’t really feel like much has changed. Aaron knows more about Alexander’s food preferences, his sleeping patterns, and his love of bad reality television, but on some fundamental level there’s no way he could know Alexander any better than he already had. He might not have known these little things, but he feels like his understanding of who Alexander is at the core, hasn’t shifted in the slightest. Their years competing against one another, their years meeting in hotel rooms all over the world, all of it has left them tied together in a way that is uniquely them. 

On the most tangible level is how they know each other’s bodies. Some days Aaron feels like he knows Alexander’s body better than his own. Aaron has known Alexander young and not filled out all the way, at the peak of his competitive form, youth and rangy muscle. Aaron has known Alexander after he stopped competing, as he softened, and Aaron knows Alexander now that years away from competition and age have smoothed out his muscle definition and left him with a soft stomach that Aaron loves to touch. He’s known Alexander healthy, and Aaron has known Alexander injured. These days Aaron can tell by the way Alexander holds himself when his old injuries are aching, and learns when Alexander is willing to take painkillers and when he would prefer to tough it out. 

A few years pass, and Aaron feels as contented as he has since Theodosia left. He still spends most nights alone, but he knows that Alexander is only a phone call away. Aaron’s house isn’t quite so lonely anymore either. Alexander has a drawer and a part of the closet with clothes for the nights when he does stay. Aaron always has a box of Alexander’s favorite cereal, and switches coffee brands to the one that Alexander likes after too many morning complaints. Alexander keeps a toothbrush, a towel, and razor in the bathroom. And even when Alexander isn’t there, Aaron is always finding stray hair bands around the house, which he deposits in a small pile on the bedside table that has become Alexander’s, next to his spare glasses, and the phone charger that doesn’t fit Aaron’s phone. So, it’s nothing formal. They aren’t dating per se, but it’s something.

#

At the same time, as two of the top coaches in the U.S. they occasionally get covered in the press where they continue the charade of a cold war between the two of them, and Alexander likes to play the particularly good interviews to laugh at later. However, despite the popular perception that they hate each other, some of their students become good friends, apparently as some sort of peace gesture. Aaron lives in mild dread of the media finding out and portraying it as some sort of Capulet and Montague situation. He can’t imagine what Alexander would do if given that opportunity for mischief. 

The most notable of these cross-club friendships consists of one of Aaron’s best students, Juliana, reigning U.S. national champion and world silver medalist, someone with a lot of buzz going into the upcoming Olympics, and one of Alexander’s best students, Min-soo, already three time Korean men's national champion despite being only nineteen, and current world champion. Even though she’s two years older, they have a lot in common, with heavy expectations from their respective federations. Aaron is glad whenever any of his students find friends who understand the pressures of skating, but their apparent investment in healing the wounds of rivalry, or however they think about it, is a lot to take. Alexander finds their disapproving glares hilarious, and makes sure to be particularly rude to Aaron whenever they are around. 

Going into the Olympic season with a student with a real shot at a medal brings back some of that old Olympic tension for Aaron, and he can tell that Alexander feels the same way. Even the media seems to have nostalgia for the old days because they ask Aaron and Alexander to do an interview together. They agree, and although they both try to turn the questions back to their students when they can, the interviewer keeps working to bring up old tensions. Alexander has some fun, suggesting that he would do a better job with Juliana and Aaron’s other students. The interviewer seems thrilled by that, and Aaron plays along, giving slightly clipped responses and letting his polite smile get tight as if he’s angry. In fact, it’s more honest to say he’s trying not to laugh, somehow charmed by Alexander’s carefully studied rudeness, and the glint of mischief in his eyes.

But as they get closer to the actual event, both Aaron and Alexander become more focused. Once they take off for the games Aaron’s attention is fully on Juliana and his other students who will be competing. Aaron only sees Alexander in passing, and he’s clearly concentrated on his skaters as well. While Aaron barely sees Alexander, he knows that Juliana and Min-soo find time to hang out. That’s good, it gives them a chance to unwind and commiserate, meanwhile one of Aaron’s students has a broken skate, and he spends hours making sure she’ll be able to compete, and making sure she has time to test out the repairs, leaving him no time for commiseration of his own. 

As usual, the men skate before the women. Aaron works with each of his students, making sure they put out their best performances, making sure that they know that they did well when they do, and that it’s not the end of the world if they make mistakes. On the day of the men’s’ free skate though, he doesn’t have a skater in the final group, so he’s able to take the time to watch Min-soo skate, and to watch Alexander’s transcendent joy for him when Min-soo wins the gold, doing what neither Alexander nor Aaron had ever been able to do. 

Aaron can’t help smiling at Alexander’s happiness, and the pride on his face, as the crowd roars for Min-soo. He knows that Alexander will be caught up in press, so he doesn’t even try to reach him, but he texts him a sincere congratulations. Aaron spends dinner that night with Juliana and her mother, making sure that Juliana isn’t too swept up in her excitement for her friend, and is ready to focus on her own short program the next day. 

Juliana doesn’t disappoint, her short program is everything they’ve practiced for, firm jumps, elegant spins, and intricate footwork. She shows the crowd exactly what she has over the newest crop of sixteen year-olds by drawing on her years of performance experience and pulling them into the story she’s telling. In the end, she’s in the lead by two points, not a huge buffer, but overall a good position for the final the next day.

The U.S. media is in a froth about the possibility of ending the ladies gold medal drought, and Aaron does his best to keep Juliana grounded, and make sure that his other skaters are also ready to do well. Alexander has a couple of skaters in the earlier groups so he’s there as well, but Aaron only barely notices him. 

Juliana skates last and he feels almost as if he was out there with her, but in the end she’s the one who puts out another amazing performance, and then she’s winning, winning the gold that will secure her place in Olympic history, in U.S. figure skating history. She’s crying happy tears, and he hugs her, and then encourages her to wave to the cheering crowd, to her mother, lost somewhere in the sea of happy faces, and to smile for the camera, for the people watching at home across the world.

When they walk backstage, there’s a mass of people, other athletes, officials, security, and Aaron is concentrated on getting Juliana back to the changing room so she has a minute before the medal ceremony, but he loses sight of her briefly when Alexander sweeps out of the crowd and gives Aaron a fierce hug. And it seems so right that Alexander should be there for this moment, that Aaron hugs him back, and then arms still around him, gives him a hard kiss. Alexander doesn’t hesitate, kissing him back, and then whispering, “Congratulations” against his cheek as he goes in for one more hug, before Aaron is being swept back into the crowd, Juliana pulling him with her. 

She pulls him all the way to the dressing room, and makes him hold her make-up bag as she touches up her face before the ceremony. She studies herself critically in the mirror first, and then meets his eyes in the reflection as she fishes out a lipstick, “Well this has been a day of days.” 

He smiles at her, “I’m so happy for you.” 

She carefully touches up her lips, “Thanks. Should I be offering you congratulations too?” 

He takes the lipstick she hands him, and looks quizzically at her. 

She rolls her eyes, “The kiss?” 

“Oh. That.” 

She sorts through the bag again, “Yes, that. I guess Min-soo can call off the parent trap plans. It’s too bad, they were getting pretty funny.” 

He’s lost, “What?” 

She’s carefully blotting her face now, “Yes, a lot of your skaters think you should just get over the whole rivalry slash unresolved sexual tension thing.” 

He manages to keep a straight face, “Oh?” 

She’s watching him in the mirror as she sorts through the bag again, pulling out an eyeliner, “So was that a big Olympics induced revelation? Because that did not look like a first kiss to me.” 

She’s leaning in to touch up her eyeliner, but pulls back to stare at him when he can’t hold in a laugh at that. He firms up his expression and says, “That’s none of your business.” 

“That’s true,” She pauses as she carefully touches up the eyeliner, and then leans back to inspect her handiwork in the mirror, “But I’m very nosy and I just won Olympic gold, so you should tell me anyway.” 

He smiles at her, as she packs up the makeup, and looks at him expectantly. He shouldn’t really tell her anything, it’s not really part of the coach student relationship to discuss your romantic life, but she’s an adult and he feels indulgent enough on her big day to respond, “All I’ll say is, the first time I kissed Alexander I was much younger than you are now.” 

She stares at him for a minute, “Damn, that really just raises more questions than it answers.” 

He laughs, “Too bad. You have a medal to collect, are you ready to go?” 

She nods, distracted from his love life by the much bigger deal that is getting to stand at the top of an Olympic podium. 

The ceremony is amazing, hearing the U.S. anthem play is everything that Aaron could dream, and Juliana is clearly feeling every moment, smiling through teary eyes at the crowd. 

#

Although Aaron had noticed some people staring at him, it isn’t until Alexander finds him right before Aaron’s about to go deal with the media that Aaron realizes that this isn’t just the usual mix of congratulations and envy that follow a big win. 

“So,” Alexander says, showing Aaron his phone which is open to twitter. There’s a series of tweets involving both of their names, and, oh, a looping gif showing the kiss in the backstage hallway. The logo on the bottom of the gif suggests that Aaron and Alexander had both failed to notice the network tv camera following Juliana, which had managed to pick up Aaron and Alexander in the background, and then with impeccable news instincts focus on that instead. 

Aaron scrolls through the reactions on twitter, which are….numerous. Of course they would manage to get caught at the most highly watched figure skating event of all. If this had happened at Cup of China or something, well first of all there wouldn’t have been a backstage camera, and secondly hardly anyone would have been watching. 

“So,” Alexander says again, taking back his phone, “How do you want to play this? I’ve already gotten asked to do a joint interview with you for the network.” 

Aaron studies Alexander for a long moment, his dark eyes, and familiar half smile, “What if we played it like we’re dating?” 

Alexander looks confused, but also amused, “Are you asking me to pull some romcom fake dating bullshit with you? Because, yes.” 

Aaron shakes his head, “No. I’m saying, date me. Date me for real.” 

And Alexander’s amusement is fading, but fading into an affectionate pleased look, “Yes. Yes to that too.” And then he’s leaning in and kissing Aaron, not like the hard excited kiss they’d shared backstage, but a warm, slow hello. 

Aaron reaches up to cup his face, and the kiss goes on for a moment too long for standing in public, and as Aaron finally pulls away he hears a camera snap. 

Alexander clearly hears it too, but he only smiles wryly at Aaron, clearly just as amused by this as by their so-called rivalry.

Aaron can already tell that the joint interview is going to be hilarious. 

#

Four years later, they were at another Olympics. The men's short program had been earlier in the day, Min-soo doing enough to place himself in medal contention, even with all the younger skaters fighting to win. It’s late now, and Aaron is already in bed, making sure there are no pressing emails to answer, when Alexander slides into bed next to him. Aaron automatically lifts an arm to let Alexander snuggle in close. Alexander looks ready to sleep, hair down, and contacts replaced with his glasses, but Aaron wiggles the tablet he’s holding at him, “Juliana says they aired the piece on us, want to see?”

Alexander chuckles tiredly, “Sure. I'm excited to learn about our epic love.”

Aaron smiles back, and loads the video Juliana had linked. 

The whole story has the mawkish quality that all network background pieces on athletes seem to take on during the Olympics. There's soft focus, and sad music, and it's more melodramatic than he remembers his life being, but the bones of the story are there. 

They start with footage from the very first time he met Alexander, footage of the medal ceremony that one of the parents must have filmed. It must have been a bit of work to track down. On the screen, tiny Alexander glares at small Aaron, and adult Aaron can't help laugh, even as it makes his heart ache a little. A clip from the interview they'd done for the piece has Alexander saying, “I was so mad when he beat me,” and Aaron next to him laughing, “You made it clear.” Then it's a short montage of their junior years, featuring some truly awful costumes. 

The music shifts to some sad strings and the announcer mournfully informs them that Aaron and Alexander's bond was solidified by the shared tragedy of their parents deaths. Aaron wants to look away for that part, but finds himself unable to ignore the slow pan over a photo of his parents, and then of Alexander's mother, younger than they are now, smiling at the camera, her eyes exactly Alexander's eyes. 

Over a montage of their senior level success, the announcer gravely points out that they'd locked up the national title for almost a decade between them, eliding their lack of world medals. A clip of Aaron, “I always did my best when we competed against one another. I knew he wouldn't let me forget any mistakes.” Interview Alexander smirks, “I was always very motivated to beat Aaron, even if I didn't win, just that was satisfying.”

Then the montage switches to footage of their awestruck faces at their first Olympics, and recaps Aaron and Alexander's Olympic placements, ending with the clip of Alexander taunting Aaron and kissing his silver medal. Aaron's face feels a little warm watching it. Now that people know they’re together, the subtext seems unsubtle. 

Then the voiceover is talking about their retirement, and move to coaching. Old clips of the both of them at practice sessions with students, and celebrating with their skaters as they receive their scores at competitions accompany this part. 

The voiceover solemnly recaps Alexander’s divorce and subsequent move to the Detroit area. “In public they remained rivals, but in private something changed,” the narrator seriously reports as Alexander cackles and Aaron groans. 

A clip of the interview shows the interviewer asking with a small smile when they'd first felt a romantic potential, and on screen Alexander as delighted as always to play this game had gone off script, “Oh from the beginning there was something special about Aaron.” Onscreen Alexander turns a deliberately excessively besotted look on Aaron, who smiles grimly back. Alexander turns back to the interviewer, “But the first time I really thought seriously about dating was the year he retired.” 

Screen Aaron looks at Alexander in obvious surprise. The reporter eagerly follows up on that, “Aaron, you weren't aware of that?”

“No,” says Aaron slowly, studying Alexander for the truth of it. 

Alexander shrugs, “I was going to ask him at Worlds, but he blew out his knee and I didn't see him for four years.” In bed, Aaron presses a soft kiss to Alexander's hair. 

On screen, the reporter turns back to Aaron, “And when did you first think of Alexander?” 

Aaron, at least, can stick to a story, “We'd always had a connection, but it was when he moved to Detroit. It was the first time in a long time that we were both single, and the first time ever that we spent time together outside of competitions.”

The screen cuts away to staged images of them laughing together. 

The story recaps their unfortunately public inadvertent relationship announcement, and then the announcer says, “And just last year they decided to tie the knot.” A montage of photos from the rather small wedding they'd had, both of them looking happy and carefree. 

Back to the interview, where the interviewer asks them why they decided to get married, and Alexander answers, “Third time’s the charm,” with a wicked smile, while Aaron's onscreen self struggles to keep a serious face. 

Then the story is wrapping up with a quick mention of Min-soo and Juliana’s hopes for defending their gold medals, and a short visual recap back through Aaron and Alexander's relationship, starting with the footage of tiny Alexander glaring at little Aaron and back through all the terrible costumes of junior and senior nationals, to serious coaching action shots, through the televised kiss and the wedding, and ending with the interview, a shot of them smiling fondly at each other. 

“Well,” Alexander says, placing his glasses on the bedside table and sliding deeper into the bed, “I hope they pick someone suitably handsome to play me when they make the  _ Lifetime _ movie of our lives.”

Aaron stows the tablet, and turns off the light, wrapping himself around Alexander, “I’m more worried about the terribly unrealistic skating that's sure to accompany this film.”

Alexander laughs sleepily, “Nerd.”

“Mm,” Aaron agrees, already drifting off, “The nerd you married.”

“True,” Alexander answers, “No regrets.”

Aaron silently agrees by pressing a kiss to the back of Alexander's neck, sleep quickly overtaking him. It's been a long path, but no regrets. 

They fall asleep together, another competition awaiting them in the morning. 


End file.
